A Series of Unfortunate Events Collection: Books 1-13 with Bonus Material Read online

  Contents

  A Series of Unfortunate Events #1: The Bad Beginning

  Dear Reader

  To Beatrice—

  Chapter One

  If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you…

  Chapter Two

  It is useless for me to describe to you how…

  Chapter Three

  I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this, but first…

  Chapter Four

  The Baudelaire orphans copied the puttanesca recipe from the cookbook…

  Chapter Five

  Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly…

  Chapter Six

  The next morning, when the children stumbled sleepily from their…

  Chapter Seven

  There are many, many types of books in the world…

  Chapter Eight

  Klaus stayed up all night reading, which was normally something…

  Chapter Nine

  “Yes,” Count Olaf continued, “it certainly is strange to find…

  Chapter Ten

  That night, Klaus was the Baudelaire orphan sleeping fitfully in…

  Chapter Eleven

  “How pleasant that you could join us,” the hook-handed man…

  Chapter Twelve

  As Violet and Klaus Baudelaire stood, still in their nightgown…

  Chapter Thirteen

  “And now, ladies and gentlemen,” Count Olaf said, stepping forward…

  To My Kind Editor

  Credits

  Copyright

  A Series of Unfortunate Events #2: The Reptile Room

  Dear Reader

  For Beatrice—

  Chapter One

  The stretch of road that leads out of the city…

  Chapter Two

  “Doesn’t Sunny like coconut?” Uncle Monty asked. He, Mr. Poe, and…

  Chapter Three

  I am very, very sorry to leave you hanging like…

  Chapter Four

  One of the most difficult things to think about in…

  Chapter Five

  That night felt like the longest and most terrible the…

  Chapter Six

  Bad circumstances have a way of ruining things that would…

  Chapter Seven

  “My, my, my, my, my,” said a voice from behind…

  Chapter Eight

  While the jeep sputtered ahead of them, the Baudelaire orphans…

  Chapter Nine

  When Violet opened the enormous door of the Reptile Room…

  Chapter Ten

  When you were very small, perhaps someone read to you…

  Chapter Eleven

  Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Violet was upstairs, surveying her…

  Chapter Twelve

  I promise you that this is the last time that…

  Chapter Thirteen

  If this were a book written to entertain small children…

  To My Kind Editor

  Credits

  Copyright

  A Series of Unfortunate Events #3: The Wide Window

  Dear Reader

  For Beatrice—

  Chapter One

  If you didn’t know much about the Baudelaire orphans, and…

  Chapter Two

  “This is the radiator,” Aunt Josephine said, pointing to a…

  Chapter Three

  There is a way of looking at life called “keeping…

  Chapter Four

  That night, the Baudelaire children sat at the table with…

  Chapter Five

  Violet, Klaus, and Sunny—By the time you read this note,…

  Chapter Six

  Mr. Poe frowned, sat down at the table, and took out…

  Chapter Seven

  “Hello, I’m Larry, your waiter,” said Larry, the Baudelaire orphans’…

  Chapter Eight

  When someone’s tongue swells up due to an allergic reaction,…

  Chapter Nine

  The United States Postal Service has a motto. The motto…

  Chapter Ten

  The good people who are publishing this book have a…

  Chapter Eleven

  “Oh no,” Aunt Josephine said. The children paid no attention.…

  Chapter Twelve

  “Welcome aboard,” Captain Sham said, with a wicked grin that…

  Chapter Thirteen

  Mr. Poe looked astonished. Violet looked relieved. Klaus looked assuaged,…

  To My Kind Editor

  A Series of Unfortunate Events

  Credits

  Copyright

  A Series of Unfortunate Events #4: The Miserable Mill

  Dear Reader

  For Beatrice—

  Chapter One

  Sometime during your life—in fact, very soon—you…

  Chapter Two

  It is much, much worse to receive bad news through…

  Chapter Three

  Morning is an important time of day, because how you…

  Chapter Four

  As I’m sure you know, whenever there is a mirror…

  Chapter Five

  In the days that followed, the Baudelaire orphans had pits…

  Chapter Six

  “I tell you, you have nothing to worry about,” Phil…

  Chapter Seven

  If you have ever had a miserable experience, then you…

  Chapter Eight

  The Baudelaire orphans stood outside the gates of the Lucky…

  Chapter Nine

  Oftentimes, when children are in trouble, you will hear people…

  Chapter Ten

  Violet read the memo out loud to her siblings, and…

  Chapter Eleven

  As we have discussed previously, a book’s first sentence can…

  Chapter Twelve

  “Klaus!” Violet cried. “Klaus, don’t do it!”

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful,” Sir said, shaking the cloud of smoke…

  To My Kind Editor

  A Series of Unfortunate Events

  Credits

  Copyright

  A Series of Unfortunate Events #5: The Austere Academy

  Dear Reader

  For Beatrice—

  Chapter One

  If you were going to give a gold medal to…

  Chapter Two

  As the Baudelaire orphans stood outside Vice Principal Nero’s door,…

  Chapter Three

  The expression “Making a mountain out of a molehill” simply…

  Chapter Four

  If you have walked into a museum recently—whether you…

  Chapter Five

  The expression “following suit” is a curious one, because it…

  Chapter Six

  Prufrock Preparatory School is now closed. It has been closed…

  Chapter Seven

  The Baudelaire orphans’ schoolday was particularly austere, a word which…

  Chapter Eight

  “What?” Isadora asked.

  Chapter Nine

  Occasionally, events in one’s life become clearer through the prism…

  Chapter Ten

  The three Baudelaire orphans and the two Quagmire triplets sat…

  Chapter Eleven

  If you’ve ever dressed up for Halloween or attended a…

  Chapter Twelve

  Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous…

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Wh
ere are they?” Violet cried as Coach Genghis stepped into…

  To My Kind Editor

  A Series of Unfortunate Events

  Credits

  Copyright

  A Series of Unfortunate Events #6: The Ersatz Elevator

  Dear Reader

  For Beatrice—

  Chapter One

  The book you are holding in your two hands right…

  Chapter Two

  In order to get a better sense of exactly how…

  Chapter Three

  If you were to take a plastic bag and place…

  Chapter Four

  If you are ever forced to take a chemistry class…

  Chapter Five

  Café Salmonella was located in the Fish District, which was…

  Chapter Six

  Morning is one of the best times for thinking. When…

  Chapter Seven

  When you know someone a long time, you become accustomed…

  Chapter Eight

  “I’m dreaming,” Duncan Quagmire said. His voice was a hoarse…

  Chapter Nine

  One of the greatest myths in the world—and the…

  Chapter Ten

  “…and one of the items in the catalog is listed…

  Chapter Eleven

  The French expression “cul-de-sac” describes what the Baudelaire orphans found…

  Chapter Twelve

  Several years before the Baudelaires were born, Veblen Hall won…

  Chapter Thirteen

  “These are doilies,” Violet cried. “This box is full of…

  To My Kind Editor

  A Series of Unfortunate Events

  Credits

  Copyright

  A Series of Unfortunate Events #7: The Vile Village

  Dear Reader

  For Beatrice—

  Chapter One

  No matter who you are, no matter where you live,…

  Chapter Two

  When you are traveling by bus, it is always difficult…

  Chapter Three

  “Wasn’t that marvelous?” Hector said, as the crows stopped circling…

  Chapter Four

  The Baudelaire orphans stared at the scrap of paper, and…

  Chapter Five

  “My head is spinning again,” Violet said, holding the scrap…

  Chapter Six

  Although “jumping to conclusions” is an expression, rather than an…

  Chapter Seven

  In this large and fierce world of ours, there are…

  Chapter Eight

  The next morning began with a colorful and lengthy sunrise,…

  Chapter Nine

  There are not very many people in the world who…

  Chapter Ten

  Entertaining a notion, like entertaining a baby cousin or entertaining…

  Chapter Eleven

  “Isn’t it marvelous?” Klaus said with a grin, as his…

  Chapter Twelve

  If you have reached this far in the story, you…

  Chapter Thirteen

  The Baudelaires looked at the Quagmires, and the Quagmires looked…

  To My Kind Editor

  A Series of Unfortunate Events

  Credits

  Copyright

  A Series of Unfortunate Events #8: The Hostile Hospital

  Dear Reader

  For Beatrice—

  Chapter One

  There are two reasons why a writer would end a…

  Chapter Two

  Of all the ridiculous expressions people use—and people use…

  Chapter Three

  We are Volunteers Fighting Disease, And we’re cheerful all day…

  Chapter Four

  Whether you have been sent to see the principal of…

  Chapter Five

  “I just don’t understand it,” said Klaus, which was not…

  Chapter Six

  This is not a tale of Lemony Snicket. It is…

  Chapter Seven

  “I never thought I’d live to see the day,” Violet…

  Chapter Eight

  Heimlich Hospital is gone now, and will probably never be…

  Chapter Nine

  “Recazier?” Sunny asked dumbfoundedly. The word “dumbfoundedly” here means “wondering…

  Chapter Ten

  At this point in the dreadful story I am writing,…

  Chapter Eleven

  Operating theaters are not nearly as popular as dramatic theaters,…

  Chapter Twelve

  I am alone this evening, and I am alone because…

  Chapter Thirteen

  When Violet Baudelaire was five years old, she won her…

  To My Kind Editor

  A Series of Unfortunate Events

  Credits

  Copyright

  A Series of Unfortunate Events #9: The Carnivorous Carnival

  Dear Reader

  For Beatrice—

  Chapter One

  When my workday is over, and I have closed my…

  Chapter Two

  Eavesdropping—a word which here means “listening in on interesting…

  Chapter Three

  Besides getting several paper cuts in the same day or…

  Chapter Four

  “What?” asked Hugo, yawning and rubbing his eyes. “What did…

  Chapter Five

  If you have ever experienced something that feels strangely familiar,…

  Chapter Six

  There are many difficult things in this world to hide,…

  Chapter Seven

  “What are you doing here, please?” Madame Lulu snarled. She…

  Chapter Eight

  By the time the Baudelaire orphans found their way back…

  Chapter Nine

  The curious thing about being told to sleep on it—a…

  Chapter Ten

  “I’m going to the pit right now!” cried a woman…

  Chapter Eleven

  There is another writer I know, who, like myself, is…

  Chapter Twelve

  When the Baudelaire orphans finally opened their eyes, they found…

  Chapter Thirteen

  With the curtain parted, Violet and Klaus looked out the…

  To My Kind Editor

  A Series of Unfortunate Events

  Credits

  Copyright

  A Series of Unfortunate Events #10: The Slippery Slope

  Dear Reader

  For Beatrice—

  Chapter One

  A man of my acquaintance once wrote a poem called…

  Chapter Two

  Violet took one last look over the misty peak, and…

  Chapter Three

  You may well wonder why there has been no account…

  Chapter Four

  That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights…

  Chapter Five

  When you have many questions on your mind, and you…

  Chapter Six

  In the very early hours of the morning, while the…

  Chapter Seven

  An associate of mine once wrote a novel called Corridors…

  Chapter Eight

  It is one of the peculiar truths of life that…

  Chapter Nine

  The two elder Baudelaires stood for a moment with Quigley,…

  Chapter Ten

  Violet and Quigley walked carefully across the frozen pool until…

  Chapter Eleven

  If you ever look at a picture of someone who…

  Chapter Twelve

  Not too long ago, in the Swedish city of Stockholm,…

  Chapter Thirteen

  Count Olaf gasped, and raised his one eyebrow very high…

  To My Kind Editor

  A Series of Unfortunate Events

  Credits

  Copyright